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What does it mean when your mom pleads with you and says, “ I want to go home ,” but she’s already at home? Even worse, your lead aide tells you what she really means is that she wants to die! There are all sorts of things t...
What does it mean when your mom pleads with you and says, “I want to go home,” but she’s already at home? Even worse, your lead aide tells you what she really means is that she wants to die!
There are all sorts of things that hurtful and even incompetent professional caregivers will say and do. Here’s what that phrase (which just might drive you nuts) really means. It’s not always an easy thing to resolve, yet, in this episode, we’ll give you a path to a better solution.
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Host: Nancy May, is an award-winning authority Author of How to Survive 911 Medical Emergencies, Step-by-Step Before, During, After! is an expert in managing the path of step-by-step caring for aging parents, even from over 1200 miles away. For a free, fillable File-of-Life go to www.howtosurvive911.com. Nancy is also the Co-Founder of CareManity LLC, and the private FaceBook group, Eldercare Success. She is also the new voice of the Caregiving Network.
Disclaimer: The views, perspectives, and opinions expressed in this show are those of the show guests and not directly those of the companies they serve or that of the host or the producer CareManity, LLC. The information discussed should not be considered or used as medical, legal, or financial advice. Please seek the advice of your own medical, legal, or financial advisors, as each person’s situation differs. (c) Copyright 2023 CareManity, LLC, all rights reserved.
Episode Transcript: #83 I Want To Go Home
[00:00:00] I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. Oh, there's no place like home! What's that all about? Stay tuned. You might be surprised.
[00:00:00] Hey everybody, it's Nancy May from Doing it Best With Eldercare Success. And yes, it's another summer short.
We're running towards the end of summer, although down here in Florida and around the country, it's still hitting ninety-plus degrees, and it's kind of hard to believe that the cold, crisp weather is around the corner. But, as those long days get shorter and the crisp air starts to kind of nip at us in the morning, we kind of feel like, hunkering down and cuddling into those blankets a little bit more in the morning, or maybe even having a warm cup of cocoa at night.
Alright, so it's still August, and maybe the cocoa's a little farfetched, but the feeling of home is one that makes us feel comfortable and safe.
[00:00:53] But in this case, the comment, I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home, might be something that you hear from a loved one that you are caring for, and saying, “What does that mean?”Especially when they're at home, and you’re there with them?
[00:01:12] It's a bit of a tricky one to answer and it's one that I've gotten some pretty creepy, and I would say pretty crummy answers from other caregivers over the years.
[00:01:25] When you hear the phrase, I want to go home, and it's from your mom, (yes, this happened with my mom and me too), and they are home, it’s more than a little unsettling.
[00:01:37] It was unsettling me too because I was there and she was home. Well, she was in a care facility with dad, and it was her home at the time, but it wasn't the home that we grew up in. And we had an aide who said, “You know what that means?” And I said, no. What does that mean, Susie?
[00:01:58] She said, “When an older person who has dementia or some sort of cognitive issue going on says, I want to go home, what they're telling you is that they want to die!”
[00:02:11] Well, I'm going to tell you something that is absolute bull, bologna, butkus, whatever you want to call it. It's not true.
[00:02:22] What's actually happening is the person, your parent, or another loved one, is having some sense of just discomfort.
[00:02:31] They don't feel settled. There’s a sense of disorientation, which can be natural, especially if they've been moved to a care facility, then had an issue and had to go to the
emergency room. You figure that's going to be at least 24, sometimes 48 hours before they're admitted.
[00:02:51] Unfortunately, I wish hospitals would handle this a little bit better, but they don't. And if they're in the hospital, they're going to stay there for at least three days.
[00:03:02] Now three days because after three days, they qualify for Medicare and other insurance reimbursements for rehab facilities. Yeah. I don't want to say that it's a racket, but there is a benefit to both.
[00:03:19] See, the hospitals don't want that person or your loved one readmitted for the same issue because under Medicare, they're not going to get reimbursed, especially if it's for the same issue. They kind of have this one flat fee.
[00:03:31] That's for another conversation.
[00:03:33] But there's kind of this back and forth that happens between rehab facilities and hospitals. Rehab wants to make sure that they don't go back for the same issue. The hospitals don't want you to go back for the same issue, and rehab wants to keep you there for three months, 30, 60, 90 days. You are not going to get a hundred percent reimbursement depending upon your plan, but, We're going to go back to the, I want to go home because those other questions are for another episode.
[00:04:00] So now they've been in the care facility, they've gone to the emergency room, they've gone to the hospital for three days, and now they're in rehab for three months and they may be going back home.
[00:04:13] Well now where is home?
[00:04:16] So now imagine how disorienting that can be if they're going back home. Not a real home, but I'll call it a care facility home. So that really kind of is their home. Now, you need to try and figure out how to make that place of home feel like home. You want to stay calm, and give them a sense of reassurance that everything is okay.
[00:04:42] It could be a gentle voice, how you relax, and you don't get annoyed with the constant, I want to go home. You really need to look at how you alleviate that fear. It may be just a little different for your folks, but whatever that sense of comfort, home, and security is, you want to make sure it's there.
[00:05:08] You also want to make sure that that environment is safe. It feels safe. There's nothing that's going to create a bad sense of juju, we'll call it - family photos, comfortable belongings a throw blanket. A special chair or maybe just how the lights are set. That's important. Creating that sense of home and comfort will be your job to ensure it feels safe.
[00:05:39] Avoid any arguing whatsoever. You don't want to say, mom, but we are home. I don't get it. We are home. Can you stop saying we're not home? Okay, so I've kind of pushed the issue a little bit, but trying not to correct somebody. You may also want to find a little creative way around this, especially with somebody with dementia or cognitive issues.
[00:06:03] It could be a sundowner’s concern that's going on that happens every day at about four o'clock or maybe
even earlier. In that case, you want to figure out why, what's causing those issues. And even try and figure out, well, maybe we need to go for a ride around the block and bring them back home again to that environment that looks just like home, the one that they know and love.
[00:06:29] Now you can lie a little bit, and I'm not a fan of outright lying, but in this case, kind of stretching the truth.
[00:06:38] I was just on the phone with somebody a little while ago who said they did similar things with their sister, who had a massive stroke and sadly passed. She wasn't that old, but she definitely had some sort of cognitive issues as a result of the stroke, and they tried to comfort her as much as possible.
[00:06:57] Now, creating greater fear and anxiety for her as she was laying there, dying, didn't necessarily need to be done, and thankfully this family didn't do that- but the wanting to go home and make her feel comfortable when she was in her home was what they tried to do.
Finally, if you can't get your hands around this, try and seek professional help.
[00:07:25] If somebody has dementia or anxiety issues, you may just find something to take the edge off. It could be melatonin, a warm cup of milk, or it just could be, I hate to say this, a medication that just takes that edge off. Try not to rely on medication. At least, that's my personal feeling.
[00:07:48] And I'm not a doctor. But your doctor isn't going to know what's best for your loved one. I want to go home is not a plea to say, please kill me! Gosh, if that were the case, I think my parents would've taken care of that long ago, especially at camp, although I loved camp.
[00:08:11] But think about how many campers have said, I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. Hmm. You know what? It’s a rather similar kind of situation. The kids just didn't feel comfortable at camp, and your parents may not feel comfortable where they are in that particular situation as they get older.
[00:08:30] So camp and the care facility are not exactly the same place, obviously, but you get my point. Home is where the heart is and where love and comfort are and our sense of security. Make sure that that works well for your folks, and it's going to make your life easier too.
[00:08:49] Well, that's it for another Summer Short and Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.
I hope that your home is a safe and wonderful place. Before we go, if you have a friend or family member or somebody else who's dealing with a little concern or fear of what might be next, consider sharing this podcast with them. Why? Because it can be your gift to them, and this is my gift to you. So that's it for another Summer Short and Doing it Best, With Eldercare Success. We'll see you soon, or I like to say here on the podcast, we'll hear you soon. Bye-bye.
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