Getting Mom & Dad to Accept Help. Tips and More!

How do you get mom and dad to accept help when they

think they don't need any of it?

Stay tuned.

You're going to like this one.

Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of Doing It

Best With Eldercare Success.

I'm your host, Nancy May, and we're diving into a topic that is close to my

heart Finding the right balance between respecting our aging parents independence

and stepping into care for them.

As mom and dad get older and show some signs that start you thinking, Oh my

gosh, they are not like they used to be and really could use a lot of help.

It's natural to want to step in and take some level of control.

After all, many of us are parents ourselves and jumping into support

our children or others that we care and love for is part instinct and

part love, or really a lot of love.

But control is the word or action that can cause all sorts of havoc for them, for

you, and for other family members, right?

Hovering or constantly pestering can strain that relationship, You know that

feeling when somebody is just a little too close and you say, Step back.

I can't take it anymore.

Or constantly pestering.

That nyeh that just goes on and on and on.

Not always intentionally.

But that can strain relationships.

Not just between mom and dad, but between siblings who think that you might be

taking over or taking control or taking things that they feel you shouldn't

And it can also lead to your own family resentment, mistrust, and being locked

out of being allowed to help your parents when they might need you most.

So all of those actually make for a dangerous and bigger recipe for disaster,

So what's the key in finding ways to be supportive without being overbearing?

The entire subject can be challenging and frustrating on many levels.

Believe me, been there, done that, tried it all, and had

some missteps along the way.

But, ultimately, some really great outcomes.

Let me take a side road or a side step to set the stage on the whole

issue of control and freedom.

It all started with wanting to learn to ride a motorcycle.

That's moi.

So, Let me tell you, I am not your average biker chick.

I made sure Swarovski crystals were blinged out over my helmet to the

point where it would nearly blind anybody behind me when the sun was out.

Second, on cooler days, I'd have my black fox fur collar tucked

inside my jacket and another one on the inner part of my riding chaps.

Okay, that might be a little TMI, but you know what?

It's about a 15 degree lower differential when you're riding a bike.

So 50 degrees out, it's a little chilly on all parts of the body.

I know TMI, but I'm sharing anyway.

In the beginning, my husband, who didn't ride, was constantly worried

I would crash or get hit by a car.

The idea of scraping me up off the macadam like roadkill with tire tracks on my back

was something he really wanted to avoid.

Thank you dear, I appreciate that.

So, to ease his fears, we came up with a compromise.

I would go out riding, bling and all, and he would follow behind in

the car on a planned lunch route destination, usually a local diner.

We loved the sycamore up in Bethel, Connecticut.

A little grungy, but a lot of fun.

Then, when we were done, I would ride home alone on a planned route

So, just in case, he got that call saying, come pick her up.

She's roadkill.

Luckily, that never happened.

But I always share that route and an approximate time upon my return.

The dogs always knew when I was around the corner for some reason.

Their sharp ears would let them know that I was on the way home.

Thank you, Mighty Quinn.

And thank you, Otis of Reading.

However, this plan allowed me my independence to enjoy my new hobby while

giving him peace of mind that I was safe.

We all need to find a similar win win arrangement with our aging parents.

All right, maybe they're not biker dudes, but that's okay.

. The concept is still the same.

Here are a few tips to actually get you going on that freedom

conversation with a little bit of ease and peace of mind for you.

Please remember that our parents have been freewheeling and independent

from our control all their lives.

After all, we were their kids at one point, and we still are.

The transition of having someone be that you, a sibling or another person step in

and try and take control of their lives,

is likely not how they want to live their lives now.

Or in the future.

However, a little help goes a long way.

If you have ever moved back into your parents home after spending time

living somewhere else on your own as an adult, you likely know how that

crunching of control feels, right?

I can almost hear the thoughts in my head now.

How dare you tell me what to do?

I'm not a child.

When you're living under my roof, it's my rules.

I just had this conversation with my husband when he had that

situation as a young adult himself.

It wasn't pretty.

But how do you actually start going down this road when your folks need a little

bit more help in a gentle, empathetic way?

Not just for them.

But for you too,

First have an open and honest conversation with your parents about

the kind of help that they need, if any.

Okay, so I know a lot of our parents are going to say, I'm

fine, don't worry, we're good.

You just go off and live your life and we'll be fine.

We'll call you when we need help.

They usually don't.

My father in law actually told my husband that he had had a five way

bypass a week after it happened.

What the heck?

Honestly, somebody should have said something.

that's just an example.

But it's important to understand that they need some space too.

I get it.

I think we all do, but if they don't think they need help, try not to behave like

an interrogator and instead consider a conversation that might sound like this,

Dad, I'd love to help you even though you don't want my help.

I understand, but how can we do this so that you're not worried about me

and I can still be of support to you and mom and I'm not worried about you?

Maybe we could team up together, just you and I, father and daughter, or dad

and son, to do something nice for mom.

What do you think?

Then create a list of some simple things that would benefit her and him

too, perhaps in a more subtle way.

This is just a tiny, teeny bit more gentle way to get them

both used to accepting help.

Kind of like a gift.

Or,

think of it like the old story of water dripping on the stone, which

illustrates even how the smallest, seemingly most insignificant actions

can have a huge impact on even the hardest surfaces of stone.

Next, look for ways to provide that support that still allow them

autonomy and control over their own lives as much as possible.

And you too.

I suggest you do this together to start.

It could be as simple as getting someone to mow the lawn, or to

help out with groceries in or out of the car, or whatever.

Down south where we are now, and even up north in more family

oriented grocery stores, baggers are always asking if you need help

getting groceries out to the car.

That's pretty considerate.

Maybe it's a family store kind of thing, or just a southern way.

However, grocery stores might actually be a significant form of social

interaction for a lonely parent.

So, keep this in mind if you decide you could help them by ordering

their groceries online so that they don't have to drive to the store.

Social interaction, even at the grocery store, can help combat a lot

of issues, especially loneliness, which many elderly people, even our

own parents, surprise, surprise, might be suffering from nowadays too.

Then,

Medication issues are a whole nother front.

if taking medication is becoming a problem, even if they don't

totally admit this, you can set up a simple pill reminder system.

There are all sorts of tools online everything from a box that beeps at you

or a notification that you get when it's been taken, which are very easy to set up.

That system however, works better if you live close by.

And if you're able to do so, then let mom and dad handle the day-to-day

management of their actual pill taking instead of you sneaking in

to make sure they actually did so.

We all hate somebody who's spying, and if that happens, mistrust can be a

big issue and lead to bigger problems down the road, so try not to go there.

if you're not able to physically hands on help them with organizing their

meds, either because of distance, Or time constraints, contact your

local pharmacy and ask if they offer something called medication

synchronization or medication packaging.

there's even a system you can set up in their home that will alert you to movement

in the house without cameras, which is very nice for them, maybe not for you.

And it'll even tell you what cabinet doors have been opened or even if there's

movement or extra heat in the house.

Heat in the house, I say, because you never know when a stove

might be left on by accident.

I'll put a link to these tools in the episode notes.

Besides that, if you haven't seen it already, there's a

new AI pin called Humane.

You can get that at humane.

com, where mom and dad can wear a pin, kind of like the accessory

that you see in Star Trek.

Beam me up Scotty.

And all you have to do is tap it, and ask to call Nancy, Bob, Sue, or Diane,

whoever it might be, or even 911.

I don't have one myself, but a friend does.

And he said it took a lot of time and a lot of frustration to set it up.

But the support system at the company is pretty good at helping you with that.

And they admit there's a problem in instructions.

So considering that it's new, just work with it.

If you decide to get the PIN.

The goal Ultimately, is to empower our parents to live as independently

and safely as they can for as long as possible by providing the

right resources and safety nets.

Think of yourself as a partner in their care, not as a parent to them.

As I've said before, time and time again, this is a pet peeve of mine, period.

I'll likely say that again in other episodes.

But please, just bear with me.

Also, make sure that the lines of communication are open.

That AI PIN can be a great help there.

Or lower tech tools, like simple letter writing and a phone

call to share what's happening.

And don't be boring.

You can ask about their day, and they can be boring.

But try to sound excited about every little detail that they share.

The meal, the TV show they watched, the books they read, the pesky

solicitors who keep knocking on the door, or some angry political outburst.

It's alright.

It's mom and dad.

You're going to love them anyway.

Or at least I hope so.

Their days may not be filled with as much excitement as yours.

But listening to these little details in your conversations or even notes

that you send back and forth can be the window into subtle changes that

might be taking place and a soft, gentle change in how you support them.

If you're close by, and even if you're not, don't forget to plan

regular visits and entertaining activities and check ins and ask.

How things are going or just what they might want to do to make their day better.

Quite frankly, most people will not know what to do to make their day better or

simply just say, Oh, don't worry about me.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

You just have a good time.

You know, one of my favorite tools while visiting mom and dad was Groupon.

Gosh, we had some fun.

There are crazy things that you can do on Groupon that are

safe for elderly frail people.

and one of them actually included a three hour cruise, kind of like

Gilligan's Island, without the crash.

Mom and Dad loved cruising, but at a certain point in their lives, frailty

kind of got the better part of them.

And I hated to see Dad really wanting to go on a cruise again and plan.

He loved that planning part.

so what we did on Groupon was to rent one of those small little

charter, yachts in quotes.

It was big enough to have all of our aides and their family members join us too.

We had a big picnic and we cruised the Tampa Harbor.

After three hours, mom and dad were exhausted and everybody had a great

time and it was a bit of a gift for our aides and their family too.

I have to say a cruise of two or three or even four days would have been too

much for mom and dad and it would have been too much for me to make sure that

they were safe and maybe even an aide that I would have brought along too.

Safety would have been the key there.

And I know I thought about it, but I was also concerned about, man overboard,

Throw out the life rafts!

I'm glad I didn't have to worry about that one.

Speaking of communications, make sure you get to know mom and dad's friends and

neighbors, even if they don't know them.

Chances are, if they live in a neighborhood, everybody knows who

somebody else is, and the gossip, hopefully not, may go back and forth.

But just asking somebody to knock on the door and make sure they're

okay or sending over some flowers.

Okay.

So if you have to pay the neighbors to bring flowers over to make

sure that mom and dad are okay.

But you can do that.

Sometimes they don't need to know every little detail, just as long

as you know that they're safe.

And speaking of strangers, sadly, I want to bring this point forward again.

We've talked about it in a previous podcast about scams, predominantly love

scams, but targets of these scammers are either young people in their

20s, big part of them, or over 60.

the average victim will lose $33,915.

Now, that's reported.

Imagine how much more is gone for those that are too embarrassed to even mention

anything to a local police department or an FBI agent, speaking of FBI agents,

who would even know how to contact them if you're a local person, right?

In any case, the whole scam issue is not something to be taken lightly.

But it is something to keep an eye out for, and an explanation to

them is always helpful, of course.

I mention this because all too often our levels of trust escalate as we age.

That's just in general.

That's just our human nature, and it's a lovely one at that, but it can also,

but it can also be a dangerous one.

I mentioned this because too often our levels of trust escalate.

I mean, as we age, This is generally true for most people.

We tend to want to trust people more frequently as we get older.

We've had lots of experience, so we kind of know what's best, right?

it's actually a lovely thing, yet can also result in physical,

emotional, and financial damage.

this includes financial advisors who might be more interested in their wallet

than your parents, aides who can create a different, more intimate level of trust in

their home, Medicare sales representatives who ask for personal information and try

to switch them to better plans, I've heard that too many times, just be careful, I'm

just giving you a little tip out there, and even care facility managers, yes,

they bring in independent marketers who get paid on performance, aka move ins.

Oh, and don't forget tech scams.

You know, more of our parents are involved in technology, and that's a good thing.

However, asking for help and constantly coming back to you for,

how do you turn this thing on?

Or, I can't get into my email again, can be something that

they could be embarrassed about.

So, calling tech support can be a way for them to get what they need

quickly without bothering you.

I'll have to admit.

I accidentally fell victim to one of these years ago, but luckily

caught it and there were no issues.

And that's for another episode.

One of the last scams I'm going to mention here today is really charity scams.

Now what does a charity have to do with scams?

Well, you might be surprised and it's not necessarily intentional.

I would say it's more likely getting the better side of the good side of people.

Here's one example of an older friend who always had a good heart, and his

widow realized exactly how much money was going out the door after he passed.

As she started to go through old files and mail that he meticulously organized, She

saw how he documented 25 to this charity, 25 to that charity, and the list went on.

Cancelled checks started adding up, and she's like, what the heck is going on?

As it turned out, with every 25 check that he sent out, within a week or

two or three, from the same charity, another request would come in.

A little forgetful, he'd send another 25 check out.

Soon, those 25 checks added up to thousands and thousands of dollars

over the weeks, months and years.

Youch.

How to go broke 25 at a time.

Maybe that's another podcast episode we should think about.

So I did move slightly, a little bit, to the side.

on how to get parents to accept help.

Or have I?

All of these great stories and bits of information are things

you can share over the course of conversations with your parents in

efforts to help them understand

that the world has gotten a little bit more sneaky.

Not always sinisterly, but hopefully.

if you share these stories in a gentle way, it can help them think a bit more

deeply and say, yep, I could use a little bit more help with mowing the

lawn or pulling the weeds or just making sure the flowers look fresh outside.

When that starts to happen, you'll be heading down the right path.

please remember, work to avoid nagging, constant nagging, or even a little

bit of nagging about their health or trying to take over their lives.

There's still adults in our parents who deserve respect and autonomy.

As much as possible.

Ultimately supporting our aging parents is about balance.

being there for them when needed while protecting their dignity and

your own time and privacy as well.

With empathy and open communication and creative problem solving, you

can find an approach that works for the whole family, yours and theirs.

After all, has their nagging ever gotten you to do anything

that you didn't want to do?

On that note, thank you for joining me here today.

Be sure to subscribe to future episodes of Eldercare Success

and listen to past episodes.

You can do so by going to EldercareSuccess(dot)live.

You now also have access to hundreds of tips, tools, and resources through

this podcast and real stories to better help you navigate the challenges and

new ways to find more joy and caring for your mom and dad and other loved ones.

Remember don't forget to care about yourself too.

Also please remember that the one number we should all learn to

use and dial when needed is 911.

There are more things that can trip you up literally and figuratively

when you have to call for help in a critical care situation.

For that reason, please run.

Don't walk over to Amazon and get the book, How To Survive 9 1 1 Medical

Emergencies, A Step-By-Step Guide.

You'll learn how not to sign certain things in the ER and why you shouldn't,

how to get better help in the hospital, how to get discharged faster, how

to deal with rehab facilities so that you don't go broke or at home.

And even how to dial 9 1 1 when the 9 1 1 system is down.

And yes, it does go down.

And, in that case, you do not want to find yourself at a

loss or mom and dad at a loss.

Finally, if you have a question or simply like to share an opinion

about the show or a specific episode, or even want to recommend a guest,

go to EldercareSuccess(dot)Live.

There's a small blue tab on the right hand side of the screen that when you

click it will come to a pop up page and there you can leave a voicemail message

or a written note or comment or question.

If you do that, I'll share your questions and opinions on future episodes.

With that, until next time, this is Nancy May at Doing it

Best With Eldercare Success.

Why would you want to do it any other way?

Be well, stay strong, and keep caring.

Bye bye.