Nancy May, Host, Eldercare Success: How to beat the caregiving

blues before they beat you.

Stay tuned.

There's actually a little extra special note at the end of this episode that I

think you're going to want to hear about.

You might be surprised.

Hello everybody, it's Nancy May from Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.

today's episode is all about a topic that hits very close to home for

me and so many other caregivers.

The risk of depression when caring for our aging parents.

As someone who has personally experienced the emotional ups and downs of this

journey, I know how easy it is for both caregivers and our elderly loved ones to

slip into those beyond the blues mood.

It's an unfortunate reality that the stress and demands of caregiving

can take a significant toll on our mental and yes, even physical health.

Constantly worrying about the physical strain and the stress of isolation.

It's a lot for any one person to shoulder.

And for those of us caring for aging parents, we have the added burden

of watching our loved ones decline.

That can hurt.

But, before we go any further, I want to be very clear.

Feeling sad and down at times is completely normal and an understandable

reaction to the caregiving journey.

But when those feelings of sadness start to linger for days and even

weeks on end, then that's when you should start to be concerned.

Beyond ourselves, you also want to look at signs of the blues and

depression in our aging parents, because if you're feeling this way,

chances are it's carrying over to them because they're feeling it in you too.

You see, we're not alone in all of this, and it may sound obvious.

But maybe not.

our parents that we knew as strong, competent, dependable individuals that

we relied on, are facing a lot more in these challenges of aging than we are.

It's quite common for our aging parents or a more frail loved

one to also become depressed.

because they're facing the hard realization of their own new reality or

persistent physical limitations, the loss of some level of independence, or even the

passing of a friend or perhaps a sibling or another loved one, or even a spouse,

All of that piling up over time becomes quite depressing.

Even talking about it does.

However, these things and more often cause mom and dad to become more isolated from

their friends, their social networks, and even other family members, perhaps even

your own siblings who are afraid of seeing their parents and yours become uncapable

of managing themselves day in and day out.

Honestly.

Been there and done that.

It's incredibly difficult to see our parents who were once full of

energy and, well yes, we'll say life, for lack of a better term.

But you get it, slowly becoming frail and vulnerable.

All these points can become incredibly depressing for them too.

as active adults, it's generally easy to see and feel signs of the

blues or depression in ourselves.

Because we're the ones who are physically experiencing this first hand.

when we are so consumed and focused on caring for others, our moods

and desires can fall into a place other than where they normally are.

More upbeat to a kind of down.

However, it really can be hard to recognize those signs of the blues

and depression in our parents because we're so focused on the busy tasks of

getting things done and caring for them.

And yes, quite frankly, our own family's well being too.

So, how do you avoid this downward spiral and keeping the blues at bay

for both ourselves and our loved ones?

In this case, mom and dad.

Well, I've got a few tips to share, but before we go there,

I want to take a quick break.

I'd like to recommend getting the book, How to Survive 9 1 1

Medical Emergencies, a step by step guide before, during, and after.

It's a really easy to read yet detailed caregiver's guide on how to stay

in control and not get caught off guard when you need to call for help.

in this book, you'll learn easy steps to make sure the 9 1 1 responders can more

quickly get to you or your parents house.

You'll also get answers on such concerns like, do you really need to go to the

hospital when they come to help you out?

and how to get better support and care in the hospital, get discharged faster, and

even get help during natural disasters.

And we're right in the middle of hurricane season as I record this.

So that's a biggie.

To get your copy of How to Survive 911 Medical Emergency is a step by

step guide before, during and after.

All you need to do is go HowToSurvive911.com You'll even be able

to get a complimentary file of life.

This one's been written for you and your folks.

Now back to our show.

So what are some tips to help you and your parents address the blues

so that they don't get worse?

First and foremost, you as their caregiver need to make self

care absolutely a priority.

I know, I know, you've heard this time and time again by countless other

podcasters and other people who are telling you to do the same as well.

But that's easier said than done.

but believe me I know how difficult that is when you fall into that rut of putting

everybody else's care first beyond yours.

I hate this term but I'm gonna say it anyway.

Trust me.

Taking 10 to 15 or even 5 minutes to do something that makes you chuckle,

have an outright belly laugh or just a smile can make a world of difference

in your day or maybe even your week.

Whether it's a light hearted book Or washing your face at the end of

a long day, just to feel a little cleaner and a little bit better.

And then smiling at yourself in the mirror, sitting on the front porch with

a cup of honey tea, or simply sitting quietly and watching the sunset and

the fireflies coming out at night.

It's important to find those little pockets of time for yourself.

Stop, take a breath.

Let's do it now together.

And just exhale.

ooh, that just made me feel better too.

And you know what?

This is when being selfish is truly okay.

And this time it's all about you.

Have some fun.

Celebrate like it's 1999.

And for those of you who remember that song, or maybe that

year, you'll know what I mean.

Another tip that you've heard time and time again, and I've said here

before, is to build a strong support network, both in person and online.

Joining a caregiver support group, whether local or virtual, can provide an

invaluable outlet to share your struggles and connect with others who truly

understand what you're going through.

Although I do really want to warn you about some of these

online caregiver networks.

They can be terribly depressing and filled with all sorts of complaints,

yadda, yadda, yadda, notices of a loved one that might have died

that night, and so much more.

You know, I peruse through those as well.

And I have to say they are beyond depressing at times.

So I dig myself out of that ditch as well, right there by your side.

Instead, I suggest you find one that's focused on being positive, supportive,

and uplifting as much as possible.

Even if they just share funny little stories.

A simple smile, even if it's to yourself, can go a long way.

Honestly, you really can't avoid those tough days, especially as a caregiver,

but you can avoid the constant dark cloud gabbers, as I call them.

And don't be afraid to lean into a family member and friends.

You'd be surprised just how many are willing to help

you if you know how to ask.

Here again, making such an ask, especially if you're the primary

caregiver, You need to focus on the positive ways that they can easily help,

emphasize easy, and be more engaged versus demanding or trying to place

the blame on them or guilt on somebody else for not being readily available.

This is especially true of siblings.

You know, as the old saying goes, you get more bees with honey.

Well, maybe I don't necessarily want another bee, but I'll certainly

take an extra spoonful of honey.

Now, let's jump into helping our aging parents with blues and depression.

Here are a few tips on that one.

Before I start down this road, I'd like to share a few things that

I wasn't aware of when my mom was dealing with some of these issues.

I'd make regular trips to Florida to visit and check in on mom and dad even before

they decided to move into a care facility.

However, on this one particular trip, I noticed a few things were a little off

with mom, off of her center of normal.

She slept for hours on end and was in bed by the time I arrived at 5 p.

m.

Things on her desk next to her computer were piling up and looked

even more out of sorts than normal.

that night after walking in the door at their home, Dad said, as

he always would, Are you hungry?

Have you had dinner?

I'm sure there's something in the fridge.

then we walked over together, opened the refrigerator, and it was pretty bare,

except for an old piece of dried up steak, probably about 2 or 3 inches at most.

now Mom and Dad's refrigerator was usually filled with a bunch of

leftovers, which Dad would call Sniggles.

He'd usually pick them up and snack on them the next day or the day

after that before they were all gone.

Waste not, want not.

but this time and totally out of character for dad, he said in an annoying voice, see

this is what I have to deal with lately.

I knew the only grocery store aisles that he was familiar with

were the cereal, the milk, skim of course, and the ice cream aisles.

Annoyed with Dad myself.

I really hated to feel that way.

I told him quite sternly, you're going to have to learn to help.

And he did, with a little guidance.

We made a game out of it, actually.

And he was surprised at how much was in the grocery store.

Oof!

Surprise, surprise!

Yes, you can get a whole baked chicken and not have to cook it yourself.

Okay, that's for another story.

But I share this only to point out, as much as we love our folks, the

blues, frustration, and yes, even deep depression, can creep into their lives

as well as ours, and rather quickly too.

For mom and dad, that meant quick action was needed on my part.

For you, different steps may be needed.

However, here are a few ways to help them if you're starting to

see a slip in emotional well being.

Ideally, it's always better to get ahead of the curve you can, instead of being

caught behind it like I was with my folks.

So to start, for our elderly loved ones You know, I really hate calling

my mom and dad elderly or even hated calling them elderly back then But even

still Getting them engaged in creative stimulating activities can be a real mood

booster This doesn't need to be a lot.

I mean it doesn't even need to be childish or stupid like some facilities

have But sending them a book that you enjoyed Even one that you've

read that might be a little dog eared

and then talking about it together on the phone or on zoom can help a lot.

It'll also give you just a little bit of insights on how they're feeling.

Music can be magic for many, even a local afternoon concert

Or it could be as simple as signing them up for a service like Spotify

And sending them a playlist that they can put on before or after dinner each night.

if you can arrange it, and if they don't have pets and they like animals, perhaps

a friendly dog therapy pro can come in.

A puppy sitting on mom's lap worked wonders.

Dad's too.

these tiny little gestures give them, and us sometimes, just something

to look forward to each week.

If you have one of those e photo frames, you can also upload and send

photos of family outings that you've done, or things that are going on

during the week, or even scanning photos from past old family adventures

that you enjoyed with them as kids.

A walk down Memory Lane can bring a much needed smile to their face, and yours.

There's a lot more that you can do, but these are just a

few tips to get you started.

And it's important to recognize that some of the symptoms of the

blues and deeper depression can result in more serious issues.

I've attached a PDF list of what to watch out for on this front with your folks.

There's a link to this list in the episode notes.

It's called Blues and Depression Signs to Watch Out for with Your Parents.

Some of those things are going to be obvious, but there are going to be a

few that you might not even thought of.

the most important things to remember is that it's okay.

Well, actually it's normal to feel a little sad and overwhelmed at times.

Be that you or your folks.

But please remember if those feelings are starting to linger and interfere

in your daily lives, or you notice something's happening with your parents,

including sleep patterns, eating, whether that be too much or too little, and

even changes in hygiene habits, please do reach out for professional help.

As we all know, loneliness and isolation is becoming an epidemic.

Be that physical or emotional, and it can lead to severe clinical depression,

which is not something you or your parents should ever feel ashamed about.

it's a very real issue, and the good news is that it's treatable.

a rainbow and a smile can lead to a better day.

Actually, here in Florida, I call it the Rainbow State, Because you never know when

you're going to see a rainbow the clouds and the mist during the rainy season.

You and your mom and dad deserve to feel happy and fulfilled, even in the

middle of this challenging journey.

On your side, caring for them.

And on their side, getting older and more frail.

On that note, a great way to feel better is to help another caregiver who

might be dealing with the stress and strain and uncertainty of what's next.

You can help them, and me too, and others by simply sharing a link to

this show at EldercareSuccess.Live.

It can be your gift to them because it's my gift to you.

P.

S.

Now here's the part I mentioned to listen to at the beginning of the show.

I'm recording this episode on what would have been my dad's

104th birthday, July 26th.

I miss him terribly, but I have plans to go decorate his and mom's

grave site with a bunch of bling and sparkles and true red, white,

and blue, which he loved Mom too.

I'll send a photo to my sister who asked to see the outcome.

That's just one way I'm keeping the blues at bay when missing my folks

that I loved and care for so much.

I know it sounds kind of weird, but you know what?

It's gonna bring a smile to my face.

It is right now.

I hope this episode has given you some practical tips and ideas to

keep the caregiving blues at bay.

Remember, you're not alone in this.

I've been there, and I'm here to support you every step of the way.

And until then, this is Nancy May wishing you all the best

in your Eldercare Success.

Be well, stay well, and take care.

Bye bye.